25 things that make us truly Indian!
1. Dating websites are sleazy, shady and the worst way to look for love. OMG what will people say? Shaadi.com is where I'm going to find my life partner.
2. Yo dude 'Daddy's gift/ God's lift' is a spanking new Lexus but parking's a bitch and paying for it an ever bigger bitch.
3. We're in love with the word Free. Anything and everything is better when it's free.
4. Kindly adjust means I have no respect for your personal space and I will invade, rape and plunder it like Genghis Khan's hoards.
5. Every Indian child has been subjected to 'Beta dance karke dikhao'. If you haven't, you belong to a tribe in the Navajo reservation.
6. Repeat after me. Indian cow is 'gow mata'. We must worship her. American cow is beef. Very tasty and can be consumed in Burger king in the USA. Guaranteed, no karmic repercussions for that. You will not be reborn a fungus in your next birth.
7. Going shopping for bras and underwear? Uncleji in Gopalsons shop will size you up and offer you the best fit.
8. Excuse me, thank you and please don't feature in our vocabulary.
9. Also if there's a train, metro, bus or any moving vehicle we prepare to lunge and push the next guy in anticipation. It's one of Einstein's lost theories.
10. We will sing the loudest at 'mata ka jagrata', but will come home and kick the servant girl for bringing the tea late.
11. Travel plans almost always include south East Asia, Dubai, America and Canada. We have single-handedly contributed in no small measure to Thailand's sex tourism industry. They should give us special group discounts.
12. We'll be collectively outraged at racism around the world but will pigeon hole people as 'madrasi', 'bihari', 'sardar','chinky' and 'ghati'. And invest in annual supply of 'Fair and Lovely'.
13. Newton's fourth law of gravity goes like this; if there is 'firangi', there will be three 'desis'.
14. Recession? What's that?
15. Sex? What's that? One billion people were conceived via divine intervention.
16. I hereby pledge that as a citizen of this great nation I vow to keep my house clean and dispose of the trash in front of my neighbour's house.
17. My middle name is 'jugaad' and that is the principle on which I will base my entire existence.
18. Girl in jeans and tank top is from India. Aunty in cleavage flashing, midriff exposing choli and saree is from Bharat.
19. We great citizens will piss in public but not kiss in public. That's against our Indian ethics. Future generations will be born spastic if we indulge in PDA.
20. If there is a rule, there is an equal and opposite way to flout it.
21. Religion is the best sanction to make anything socially acceptable. So it's OK to bring the house down with Chanchal Kumar's rendition of 'Mata ke peechey' all night, drink bhang and go wild every Holi and with the blessings of the family elders use every wedding as hunting ground for a future spouse.
22. Also the worst kept secret at above wedding is the 'car-o-bar'. Everyone knows it but pretends it doesn't exist. Only people with loose morals drink at their own weddings.
23. Homosexuality is an incurable contagious disease.
24. Only those who score 100% in their school exams will have the brightest futures. Therefore education must translate into money. Do you want to become like those penniless creative types?
25. He-man you say? No no. Shahrukh Khan and Rajinikanth are masters of the universe.